Three words: puerto rican gang bang
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
