I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
