I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
