My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
not ubering you a puppy
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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