Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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