Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
