guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
