Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just gargled with NyQuil
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
