I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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