I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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