i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
