So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I can text with my tongue
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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