Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
