I think I won the penis lottery.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
