Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
