my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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