Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
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