I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
