I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
