I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
