My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Randomize
