I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
