My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
And then he peed in my hair
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