do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
