Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
