I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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