EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
