How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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