So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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