whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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