I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
