Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
