Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I didn't notice because vodka
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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