My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
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