hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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