he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
