I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
