I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
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