Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I lost the right to judge tonight
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
