fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
