im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
