its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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