I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
