Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
