Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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