put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
