last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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