we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
