I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
