Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
